The Beach Sucks. (No, Really.)

Guest Blogger-Sarah Ballance

Hi all! I’m Charly, Rebecca’s assistant. We thought it’d be fun to do a ‘Romance: The Good, the Bad, and the Disastrous’ theme with guest bloggers throughout the summer months. Every Monday and Thursday, we’ll have a guest blogger talk about fun stuff like horrible dates, good dates, etc. Some bloggers will have a contest, and some won’t – it’s totally up to them. If there is a contest, I’ll randomly draw a winner from the post comments, send the winner’s email address to the guest blogger, and they’ll take it from there. Rebecca will jump in and blog when she can. For now, enjoy as we play!

 

Sarah BallanceSand is abrasive.

They don’t tell you that. And by “they” I mean all those commercials, books, and movies during which the naughty bits happen on a glorious stretch of beach while tranquil waters lap at the shore. Seriously, is there anything hotter than that sexy duo going at it in the surf while the waves tumble on white sand, churning at precisely the right depth to lightly caress all that heated flesh without doing a darn thing to douse the passion? Totally swoon-worthy, right? Well, guess what happens when you try that in real life.

You freaking drown.

Okay, not literally. I mean, I’m here to tell the tale, but seriously-not-literally, you drown. Those of you familiar with the way waves work already know some tend to tiptoe a bit further up the beach than others, but unless you’ve been sprawled on said beach under some insanely hot guy (or, you know, just lying there not under anyone at all), you probably won’t understand just how dramatic a couple of inches can be. (I’m talking about the water here, mind you. Not the hot guy, although his inches definitely count.) In the tumbling surf at the ocean’s edge, two inches is the difference between romance and a nasal purge. Sputtering, coughing, and picking sand crabs out of your orifice can be a mood killer, but let’s pretend you got it right. Let’s pretend everything is utterly perfect…and then let me ruin your day.

Because sand sucks.

It’s in the water. It’s abrasive. And it’s not conducive to adult activity in or out of the water. Yep, I said out. Because if you managed to crawl away from the surf without losing your, erm, drive, there’s always take two, maybe on a blanket in the dunes surrounded by swishing sea grasses. Yeah, now that’s romantic.

Only, nope.

First (and perhaps foremost), there are biting things, and I’m not talking about your hottie. Here, we have yellow flies, but let’s not rule out sand fleas, mosquitoes, and whatever critters are breeding on your slice of the coast. That’s not the most exciting way to get your butt smacked in the middle of a romantic encounter, lemme tell you. But I digress.

You know how sand gets on EVERYTHING? Well, it gets on your man. And it’ll get on you. Intimately. So now we’ve replaced the pounding surf for the pounding of sand paper. THERE IS NO GOOD WAY TO EXPERIENCE THIS KIND OF ABRASION. Although…is there really a BAD way to experience a pounding seaside encounter that leaves you with a handprint on your ass?

Yeah, I thought not.

Disclaimer: Sarah makes things up for a living, so there’s no real reason to believe she’s been abraded on a public beach. Or in a public ocean. She’s innocent and her husband is a saint. (Stop laughing.)

 ABOUT SARAH:

Sarah and her husband of what he calls “many long, long years” live on the mid-Atlantic coast with their six young children, all of whom are perfectly adorable when they’re asleep. She never dreamed of becoming an author, but as a homeschooling mom, she often jokes she writes fiction because if she wants anyone to listen to her, she has to make them up. As it turns out, her characters aren’t much better than the kids, but nevertheless, you’ll find her writing sexy contemporary romance for Entangled Publishing until they throw her out. To learn more, stalk accordingly.

Website – http://www.sarahballance.com
Newsletter – https://confirmsubscription.com/h/t/0B801D3AA4F986BF

FAVORITE QUOTE:

“Estelle, if I take off my pants, I can guarantee my ass will be the last thing either of us are worried about.”

– Crosby Chase, Five Things I Love About You

 LATEST RELEASE:

Five Things I Love About You:

Five things to love about NYC. But she only needs one…

Dumping a jar of pickles on the hot girl at the grocery store wasn’t Crosby Chase’s finest hour, nor was getting bitten in the butt by the demonic cat on her fire escape. But he is going to change her mind about his beloved city, damn it. In fact, if they could just make it five minutes without falling into bed, he bets Estelle he can find five things she’ll love about New York.

Falling in love wasn’t part of his plan. And with an entire country between them, Crosby realizes he doesn’t need five reasons to make Estelle love New York.

He needs one big reason to make her stay…

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GIVEAWAY

Tell me the absolute worst place you’ve ever gotten sand. Yes, even if it’s THERE. One person, chosen at random without consideration to the severity – or hilarity – of their respective sand incident, will win a $25 Amazon gift card.  (International giveaway)

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48 thoughts on “The Beach Sucks. (No, Really.)”

  1. Mary Preston says:

    The funniest post thank you.

    I once had so much sand inside my bikini top that I was in danger of losing a nipple to the sand paper abrasion effect. (These were the long gone days when I could still wear a bikini without scaring the sea life.)

    1. LMAO! I’m not sure if I’m laughing harder at losing a nipple or scaring the sea life. 🙂 (I think the sea life think I’m one of them. >.>) Thanks so much for commenting, Mary!

  2. Joyce Reece says:

    I had sand get around the underwire of my top and before I could get all of it out I had rubbed raw spots under my breast. Neosporin and gauze pads. No bra for a while.

    1. Wow, Joyce. That sounds so painful. Eek! Thanks for commenting. 🙂

  3. Shannon Courtney says:

    I’ve only had sand in my eyes. I’ve never been that adventurous.

    1. Sand in the eyes, Shannon, is pretty much torture. You absolutely get “points” for that, LOL! Thanks for your comment!

  4. kp says:

    I think the worst place was up my nose! I sneezed sand out for days it seemed!

    1. Ouch. That’s a new one to me and it sounds absolutely miserable! Thanks for commenting (and giving me something new to fear at the beach, LOL.)

  5. Lori Meehan says:

    Sarah your are a new author to me. Your are hilarious. I can’t wait to read your books.
    I hate sand always have because it gets everywhere. So I don’t have a funny story about myself but I do about my 2 year old niece. We were at the lake and when it was time to get out she had so much sand in her little suit it look the she had bloomed early. Needless to say the tub looked like a sandbox. Lol

    1. Aw, thank you, Lori! I sure hope you enjoy anything you might read. 🙂 And OMG…”bloomed early”!! I’m dying over here!

  6. Thank you all for putting up with me today! Rebecca, I’m a huge fan (the Maverick Montana series is TO DIE FOR) and I can’t tell you what an honor it is to be here. And Charly, it’s been a pleasure communicating with you. Thank you so much!

  7. Shelly Small says:

    I have sand in all the places imaginable, especially because I used to live in Hawaii and surf. Happy Release day. Awesome book.

    1. Oh, Shelly. What a life! And thank you so, so much. I’m thrilled you enjoyed it!

  8. desiree says:

    I am from oregon so the coast is a lot cooler and there aren’t a lot days to wear shorts let alone a swim suit or get frisky on the beach. We were at the beach for July 4th wearing tshirts and jeans. Sitting on our blanket in our spot so we could see. We got there early but not everyone did. People kicking sand on our blanket walking by or playing football. Someone let off a firweork that malfunctioned right in between the two of us and we jumped apart face first into sand. Sand or burned I took sand cause that rocket came close. My husband and I had sand every where including underwear, bra, ears, eyes and mouth. It was well an experience. One I won’t repeat

    1. Oh, NO, Desiree! That’s terrifying! I’m so glad you made it out unscathed by the rocket, although it sounds like the sand did a number. Definitely the better option. Yikes!

  9. bn100 says:

    the car

    1. SO TRUE. An hour at the beach means two hours cleaning out the car. Drives me crazy! (We live 15 mins from the beach and make quite a few impromptu trips in the evenings after my H gets off work.) Thanks for commenting!

  10. Crystal Yawn says:

    I spent the day sitting in an inch of water playing in the sand. I ran up to the bathroom and pulled my bottoms down dumping about 40 lbs of sand on the toilet seat…it didn’t look or feel pretty.

    Funniest post I’ve read in a long time!

    1. LOL! It’s crazy how that happens, and I know you have young children and it seems to MULTIPLY with them. Sometimes it’s hard to believe there’s any sand left on the beach! 😛 Thanks for visiting–I’m so glad you enjoyed it!

  11. Rhonda Campbell says:

    While getting sand in your private area is annoying at least it will wash off. Unlike my hair which no matter how many times I wash it will have have sand in it for weeks after I’m home. But I have to say the worst place I’ve ever gotten sand was in my eyes. And no not the normal wind blows sand in your eyes, but the my son decided he wanted to bury my head while I was laying on the beach. So he dumps his sandbucket on my face at the moment I was opening my eyes to see what he was doing… It scratched my eye and they both were red and swollen. I hid in the room for the rest of the trip with eye wash and listening to the TV because I couldn’t see it or my books

    1. Oh, no. All jokes aside, that sounds awful and I hate that you had your trip ruined like that. I am glad you commented, though. Maybe that story will pay off! 🙂

  12. Timitra says:

    In bikini bottom and food ugh

    1. Food is the WORST. The beaches toward which we gravitate don’t have vendors or businesses nearby. If I have food on the beach and it gets tainted, I’m pretty much devastated. All that swimming and playing leaves me STARVING! 🙂

  13. LJT says:

    I found the ocean quite daunting when I was a teenager and there was no one around to show me what to do when a wave came by. Nevertheless, at the age of 16, (my first time ever at the shore), I was pushed back and I had sand in every nook and cranny. My mouth got the worst of it.

    1. Oh, wow. That’s quite the way to figure out how it all works at the beach, lol. I hope that visit turned around and you had a blast! 🙂 (Erm, not a sand blast, but a real one. LOL.)

  14. Toni Sheldon says:

    tried the romantic interlude once…didn’t finish because, yes, sand is attracted to everything!!! But, aside from that, nothing worse than taking a drink of your beverage to also swallow sand at the same time…and you know I don’t want to waste any of my “drink”…I did find the cutest wine glass in acrylic with a lid this year! of course, then the insulated coozie doesn’t fit…what is a girl to do?

    1. Ah, yes. SAND IS NOT REFRESHING. And tell me there’s a wine glass coozie out there…if not, you’ll retire on that idea! (Glad I’m not the only one who had trouble “interluding” on the beach, LOL.)

  15. Kira Archer says:

    Ha! Hilarious post!! Yeah….there’s really nothing about the beach that is in any way conducive to sexy times except the atmosphere. Even out deeper in the water where the sand content isn’t so bad, the water itself is…well…not conducive LOL 😉

    1. Very true. Water is not at all conducive. WHY IS WATER NOT CONDUCIVE? The movies, they lie!

  16. Melissa Pickering says:

    Under my contact lens. Worst pain ever. Omg, I’d rather be stabbed a thousand times. Or get a tattoo, same thing.

    1. LOL! Oh, that’s so true. I used to wear HARD contacts (25 years ago…sigh) and nothing in this world hurt worse than getting something under those contacts. They were terrible to clean stalls in, lol, but I digress. 🙂

  17. Marcia says:

    Don’t have a scary(or funny) beach story, Sarah, (even though I spent ten years on the gulf coast of Florida), but I DO know five things I LOVE about your book…Spent the well-worth-it ninety-nine cents and devoured. Oh. My.
    1. Pickles
    2. Cats
    3. Fire Escapes
    4. Crosby
    5. Wishing Estelle and Crosby were real so I could be part of their family.
    Yes, I have read all of Rebecca’s Montana series(lived there for 17 years), and I agree with you.
    Why do we have to wait so long for Sawyer’s story, and can I be his heroine?
    Great post, awesome book!

    1. Oh, Marcia. How do I love thee? I could totally count some ways! I love how much you loved this book! And Sawyer’s story is in edits, so maybe time will FLY (it usually seems to when I have to pay for Christmas, LOL) and sadly, I think he’s taken. I hope you’ll enjoy finding out how THAT happened. 🙂 And seriously, thank you SO much!

  18. Daisy R says:

    Sand is annoying in pretty much every place except between the toes. The worst I have had was wiping out on a boogie board and getting a mouth full. In the teeth and everything. Gross.

    1. Oooh, good point. It’s definitely WAY more awesome between the toes than between the teeth. That was some crash! Something out wiping out in the waves…I swear it’s pouring salt (sand?) in the wound the way you get battered by the water in the process of looking for “up” and hoping there’s oxygen wherever “up” is, lol.

  19. Mystica says:

    Hilarious post! Going to be prim as befits a sixty year old. I live in the tropics. It’s permanently hot and humid and only mad dogs and Englishman go in the noonday sun!! I will avoid the beach purely because of the heat and the sand which is scratchy, abrasive and itchy!!!

    1. OMG you’re so funny! Mad dogs and Englishmen! I totally agree that the beach can be miserable at the height of the afternoon. We’re fortunate to live just 15 mins away and prone to going over when my husband gets off work. The sun is low, the sand is cool, the water feels great, and it’s not crowded. A total win! (Other than being so close to shark feeding time. Sigh.)

  20. June M. says:

    The worst that place that I can remember having sand would have to be in my bathing suit bottom. That stuff is very abrasive, rubs skin raw! And it is hard to get out of the carpet and upholstery in the car afterwards. Really, it is not worth it to me. Give me a pool any day….except I can’t be out in the sun much due to Lupus and medications for that and Rheumatoid Arthritis.

    1. That’s an absolutely terrible place to have sand, and you’re right about the car. I have a nine passenger Suburban – practically a bus – and getting it cleaned out is a nightmare. I think I’ll definitely join you in a shaded spot by the pool…you’ve got the right idea! 🙂

  21. Rebecca James says:

    Hilarious post Sarah! But you’ve kind of killed the romance of any future beach themed loving I read in the future! 😀 I haven’t been to the beach in years because I always end up majorly sunburnt, the trouble of having English skin under the Australian sun. Sand gets everywhere, nothing is safe from it! It doesn’t discriminate! Buy an icy pole because your boiling hot and *boom* it’s covered in sand before you can devour it. Sands evil. And all the previous posts have only confirmed what I already thought! Looking forward to your new book too! 🙂

    1. OMG, Rebecca, I read “icy pole” and I’m not even going to tell you where my mind went! LOL. You’re so right…sand is relentless. I’m so sorry I ruined the future smexiness of your beach reads, but if it’s any consolation I’ll never again see an icy pole the same way! 😉

  22. Bube says:

    Heheh,funny,great post 😀
    So far I haven’t any incident with the sand 🙂
    Not big adventurous person 🙂

    1. Some adventures are best left un-experienced, LOL. Powdery sand between the toes is one thing. Having in other places, not so much a joy. 🙂 Thanks for commenting!

  23. Charly says:

    UPDATE: The winner of the giveaway is Daisy R. I’ve sent your info to Sarah. CONGRATS!

    1. Daisy R says:

      Oh my goodness, Thank you so so much! 😀

      1. You should something in your email any minute now, Daisy. Congratulations, and thanks for entering!

        1. Daisy R says:

          I got it Sarah! Thank you so much!!!